Joke of The Week for Week Ending June 29, 2001:

 

The following quotes are reported to have been taken from actual medical
 
records as dictated by physicians...
 
 
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
 
 
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 
 
* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
 
 
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
 
 
* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
 
 
* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
 
 
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
 
 
* The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
 
 
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
 
 
* The patient refused an autopsy.
 
 
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
 
 
* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
 
 
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
 
 
* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
 
 
* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
 
 
* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
 
 
* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 
 
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
 
 
* She is numb from her toes down.
 
 
* The skin was moist and dry.
 
 
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
 
 
* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
 
 
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
 
* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 


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Revised: January 01, 2010