Joke of The Week for Week Ending July 20, 2001


The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing

the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more

clearly reflects the party's political stance: A condom stands up to inflation, halts

 production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one

 a sense of security while screwing others.


And, furthermore: It was reported today that at a White House staff  meeting last

 week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney

 and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that

 "Men do not have anginas."

The president was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute




John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening

at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who

could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,

"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast

Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast

of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The

Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wig' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in

your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the

local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with

John O'Riley.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband

John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first


"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with

the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and

the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."


An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she

was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs.

Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth

control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth

control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every

morning and I sleep better at night."


A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice

evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left

of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph,

he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they

can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The

needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I

doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and

the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday

the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse

for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.

I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


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