Joke of The Week for Week Ending December 7, 2001

This week was a really tough week to choose the best joke for the week. So many really good jokes to choose from. But, these idiots always crack me up....

 

2001 THE DARWIN AWARDS

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards

are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual,

who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove

undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

 

5th RUNNER-UP

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift

tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on

a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central

Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3a.m.,the Mono County

Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked

up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors

from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police

Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.

The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and

Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and

determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

 

4th RUNNER-UP

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.

Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo

grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without

paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics

removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to

death.

 

3rd RUNNER-UP

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing

above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell

on him.

 

2nd RUNNER-UP

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably

related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22

bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck), popped a blasting cap

into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his

lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the

blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl.

M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and

was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll

show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it

blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.

Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive

facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area

Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like

that," Payne said.

 

1st RUNNER-UP

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot

through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be

released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye

last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain

Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in

Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head,

but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the

arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood vessel would have

been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor

Johnny Delashaw at the university Hospital in Portland said the arrow

went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the

rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood

vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow

out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted

afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said

Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but

the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation

stunt is under investigation.

 

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of

the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica

concert at the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but

having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to

"hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled

their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.

Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the

fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)

Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the

fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through

a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm)

by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree

with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.

Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his

pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from

the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The

sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection

of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse,

on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing

his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and pull

him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving

away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into

reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and

killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver

thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on

his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his

shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

 

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

 

 


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