Joke of The Week for Week Ending December 21, 2001
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
serving the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population on earth, my contract has been renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves. I now serve only certain areas of Indiana, Illinois, Michigan,
Ohio and Wisconsin.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so
keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the
South Pole. While he shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls,
there are a few differences between us.....
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
Bubba has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying 'coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the big mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does display a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back, with the words "Back off". The
last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One
is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics, such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life", won't be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV", featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I would make sure you,
the wife, and the children turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. Finally, the lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me, such as
" Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", will
be changed. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM
stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."
Revised: January 01, 2010
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