Joke of The Week for Week Ending September 21, 2001

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our  job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

--Kathleen Mifsud

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that  perhaps  they're too old to do it.

--Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is  talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

--Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

--Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after.

--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

--Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

--George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

--Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

--Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

--Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

--Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

--Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

--Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband

for not being Paul Newman.

--Erma Bombeck

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

--Anonymous #1

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful.

--Anonymous #2


Ten Things men know FOR SURE about women.










10. They have breasts.



Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You  always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're  seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst  age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee  like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."



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